The South Goan Firang

Its 2011 in Europe and the West and actually the same in India, but you wouldn’t necessarily think so if you looked at the firangs walking around Palolem last season.

Palolem is not ‘atypical’ of any particular beach in South Goa but demonstrates my theory that there’s something very strange happening on the flights bound for India.

Every firang is affected by it, whether it’s their behavior or style of dress with the male firang definitely affected more so.

Let’s just take a look:

The female firang is a different shape to the Indian lady, usually larger, much larger but thankfully they have listened to what the tour operator has said and generally wear far more in terms of material and placement of said ‘material’ than they would if they were in the South of France. Agonda is not Antibes!  So taking that into,  consider four ‘nipple covers’ bouncing down the beach one day in Palolem last season did cause quite a stir, literally I believe with some of the locals. This was an odd occurrence but there was also the instance of the large Russian lady wearing a ‘see through’ top and a thong, she was spotted in an aisle in the local supermarket! Luckily the locals just thought a consignment of pillows had been delivered and were waiting to be untied!

But it’s the male firang that has sparked my personal ramblings! But where to start? I have several theories:

Firstly, back to the ‘something in the air’ at thirty thousand feet!’  I am sure they must spray something into the air that removes some of the usual elements of the International jet setting western male.

My second theory is that by some unexplained phenomenon they receive regression therapy on the flight and find themselves trapped in 1967…..

Or , my last theory, they are so far away from home they can really dress as they like without the repercussions of getting beaten up by the lads down the local pub for wearing a pair of ‘jazzy pant’, (basically  ‘ali baba’ style trousers].

As a result of one or all of my theories being correct it’s potentially a horrendous site. The local Goan guys wear jeans,‘t’ shirts and ‘flip flops’, with designer labels: the firangs, on the other hand, wear simply anything, the baggier and more colorful the better. The good thing about this is that it’s brought the generations together, grandson, dad and granddad all wearing similar outfits.

……….and what about ‘hair’? Have I really been away from England that long? It looks like half of the barbers have closed and those remaining only know how to shave heads, so those who decide not to shave their heads invariably decide to grow their hair and inevitably get dread locks! That’s ok but when you see fifty year old white guys with dreadlocks down to their bottom,  it does make you think , and think even more when you see other firangs have gone for the ‘Amy Winehouse’ look and piled them on top of their head! 

So in Goa its official  its either the flouncy ‘flop’ look or the shaved head, the ‘shaved head’ gives you permission to get as many tattoos as you want, these guys probably tried to go for dreads but because they were follicley challenged, failed and are now trying to  find another canvas to demonstrate their individuality!

Talking about “Tattoos’ , my God this is not a fashion amongst the firangs it’s a disease…….If anyone is interested in earning a fortune, learn the art of skin grafting because there are going to be so many people wanting to remove their ‘art’ you won’t believe, you could even charter flights and bring them over here….. And then you could put something in the air supply to make them desire rhino plaster surgery….oops I digress but a great way to make money!


Ok, so back to where we were, although they are now all wearing ‘floaty numbers’ they then decide they need to get some wheels! There’s the practical Honda Activa and the new “electric’ scooter which is very popular with the firangs that have ‘found themselves’. There is also the Royal Enfield Bullet, which brings out the “Clint Eastwood’  for those who are not looking for themselves! They hire the ‘Bullet’ and suddenly they need to look the part…….’Clint Eastwood’ would not wear a beanie hat and jazzy pants, so they compromise. Fortunately , the Goans have seized the opportunity and are happy to sell you a real ‘Clint Eastwood’ style cowboy hat, dashing! Unfortunately the firangs  are usually reluctant to give up the jazzy pants and with their new found persona like to ride round bare chested, not a good look when you are thirty pounds overweight and haven’t hit the gym since College! Also someone needs to tell them that tying your cowboy hat on to your head can also spoil the image and that when you ride along, the front of the hat folds back so they look more like Mary Poppins than Steve McQueen..    

….and before I forget! The older firang in India , feels the sun on his back and  reminisces about the glorious summer of 1972.In those days, everyone wore speedos, tiny swimming briefs which were the fashion for anyone under 75kg. Unfortunately, these guys have now grown up and grown in kg, as a result although the temp is the same as the seventies, their girth isn’t and the sight of fifty + year olds wearing speedos and in some cases ‘thongs’ is enough to scare anyone!

This takes me very nicely to the ‘sarong’, as wore by the male firang. Imagine, a fifty + guy, nostalgic for the seventies and his speedos  is now feeling very trendy, he’s back on form and ready to impress the ladies! He’s seen in the papers that David Beckham wears a sarong on holiday….so what’s David Beckham got that he  hasn’t?  So without any second thought, off he goes and buys a sarong, he will wear it  over the thong , very useful when  it’s time to go to the bathroom, which at fifty is quite regular!  Unfortunately when David Beckham wears the sarong, he has designers and assistants handy to make sure the ‘sarong’ sits perfectly, our fifty year old firang wears it just under his chest , deliberately  so it catches the sweat under his ‘man boobs’, he thinks its discreet….